I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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