God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
