i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
