there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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