A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
