Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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