so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
