She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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