just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
