she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
