I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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