today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize