Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
