I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
