I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize