when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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