Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
