What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
