Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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