oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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