wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
