i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
