my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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