I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
