Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
