She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
