Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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