He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
