I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
