He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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