i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
