I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
