Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
