I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
