All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
