We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Randomize
