He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
