It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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