Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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