my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
