why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
