wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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