Barsexuality is the new black.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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