I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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