My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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