then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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