She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
