Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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