you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
