I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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