I can text with my tongue
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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