I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
