he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
