These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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