feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
