your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
