youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
