If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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