quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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