She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
