Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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