We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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